Dating Series Part 3: The Talking Stage 👀

Let's just cut to the chase here, and admit that the "talking stage" can be one of the most difficult times of cuffing season. Although you've recruited the people with whom you share mutual interests, how do you know you'll actually get somewhere with them? How do you know you're not wasting your time? How do you know the person isn't playing you? To give you a better insight, I'll use one of my own "talking" experiences to put things into perspective.

At one point in my life, I used to talk to this guy I really liked, I would see him everywhere but I wouldn't speak much, and all of the sudden things fell into place and we started to talk to each other. Everything was pretty cool in the beginning, but a lot of red flags started to pop up; but because I liked him so much I didn't take the precautions that I should've. The first red flag was that we only hung out when it was convenient for him, he never made plans with me because he genuinely wanted to see me, but because he may have wanted something from me or he was just bored. I was usually the one who tried to make plans so we can get quality time and move forward in the talking stage, but the energy wasn't reciprocated. AND, although it's a little embarrassing to admit this (but I will so the mistake isn't repeated by y'all), he always finessed his way out of paying for things when we went out!!! YES, you read right, majority of the time I was coming out of my wallet when we went out; and I regret every part of that stupid decision. Ladies and gentleman, I promise you; anyone that really likes you will spend money on you, GIRLS WILL SPEND MONEY AS WELL!!! But don't EVER, waste your time with someone who feels entitled for you to do everything and their efforts are limited. Secondly, his words didn't match up to his actions; he would tell me one thing but do another, which was just another tactic to keep me interested when he knew his intentions wouldn't add up to what he was telling me. NEVER fall for what people are saying, but for what they're doing; actions speak at a much louder volume than words, and when people are showing you who they are you MUST act accordingly. Lastly, this red flag was a mistake on my end and on his; but I eventually found out he was talking to someone else when he was still leading me on. Honesty is everything to me, and I would've appreciated him coming to me as a man to say his attention was being divided amongst other girls. But on the other hand, this was a fault on my part because I didn't bother to ask him, not because it slipped my mind, but because I was afraid to get my feelings hurt if I got the answer I didn't wanna hear. When I confronted him about it, a lot of truths were thrown on the table, and he pretty much friend zoned me, but I didn't want anything to do with him after that situation.

There are many lessons that I took out of this experience:

1. Never approach any situation with expectations, let things flow naturally because anything that's meant to be will be. But always keep an expectation of how you'd like to be treated, it doesn't cost anything for someone to be a decent human being.

2. Closed mouths don't get fed, if you have some sort of expectation from someone you're talking to, discuss it with them and see if they have the capacity to be held to that standard, if you don't say anything you can't get what you want. Ask questions and find out whats necessary, such as "Are you talking to other people?", "Are you looking for a relationship?", "Where do you see us/this situation going in the future?" (the last question should be asked when an appropriate amount of time has passed)

3. Never compromise your standards, the person that's right for you will encompass what you're looking for (not exactly everything, but whats most important). Just think about the 80/20 rule, in a relationship you should have 80% of what you need and 20% of what you want. And furthermore, don't hold people to a standard that YOU don't meet yourself.

4. PAY ATTENTION TO RED FLAGS!!!!!! It's so easy to be caught up in your feelings for someone that you don't notice warning signs of a bad situation/bad intentions. Often times as well, people tend to see the red flags but don't take them seriously, and then question why they got hurt. To keep it real, if you notice red flags and continue to pursue someone/the situation, YOU are hurting yourself at that point, because people only do what you allow them to do.

5. Lastly, don't put all your eggs in one basket!!! I typically don't talk to more than one person at once, but I've come to a conclusion recently that having a select few people to talk to can help lower your chances of getting hurt if things don't work out with one person. Putting all your attention and energy into one person who you haven't made things official with can be very risky, because there's always a possibility that they don't have your best interest at heart, and it can become draining to constantly start over with someone. If you scatter your eggs in a few places, it gives you the capacity to compare and contrast your relationships with those people and find out what/who is best for you, and from there you can narrow it down. Now, this doesn't mean you throw yourself out there and just start talking to everybody, just keep a few people on your roster and be honest with them about your choices.

Thank you all so much for the love and support, I've been so busy with school and and campus activities 😩, but I'm gonna try my hardest with my updates!!!

Love, Noelle ❤️